Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
