i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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