i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
