Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
