right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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