I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
