if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
