I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
