Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You took a bar mat shot.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
