the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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