At least make sure they are 18
Why
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
