I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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