my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
