he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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