I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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