he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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