I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
