I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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