I wish I could teleport
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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