Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The police scanner is talking about you again....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
