I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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