she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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