I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
this just has baby written all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize