I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
