Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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