....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize