I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
