mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
