I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
not ubering you a puppy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
