He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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