Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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