PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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