You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
