about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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