I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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