He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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