I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
