If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
