Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
