Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
