Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
