there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
