Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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