I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
