U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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