Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
