Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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