he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
