if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
