Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
