i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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