dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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