I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
