So drunk its hurt
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
