I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
